Interrupted by God

God is working quickly. There's a lot to write about this morning, and only 19 minutes til I need to leave for work.

Somewhere between my last post and now, my heart changed from fear of missions to excitement and ridiculous joy. A change I can't explain, except by God. Suddenly, every song, every sermon, and every Bible study seems to be pointing at missions. I take this as God's repeated answer to my request that He confirm this is His will for me, and my pastor seems to agree...which is very encouraging!

But having accepted that this is God's answer, and now feeling overwhelmed with happiness about it, I couldn't help but feel like I was messing something up by being so old when this goes down. "God," I prayed recently, "is it my fault that this is happening now? I mean, with the obstacles that face my desire to do this mainly resulting from my age, wouldn't it have been better if I had come around when I was younger?"

Only I didn't get all of that out. The moment the words "is it my fault" crossed my lips, something happened that gave me chills and moved me to tears.

He interrupted me.

"NO," came the answer, clear and firm. "This is MY timing, and you have no more power to disrupt it than to ensure it. I put this on your heart when I wanted it put there, and you are responding in My time. There is no 'fault.'"

I sat in silence for a moment and finally asked dumbly, "Did You just interrupt me?"

"Yes... Yes, I did."

It wasn't said as an accusation. It was this bemused observation that He had just shattered an age-old expectation of prayer: that it seems always one-sided. Sure, sometimes you might think you feel an urging of His will in response, even clearly enough that you can discern the words He would use. But when it comes so swiftly and strongly as to interrupt your train of thought... It just wasn't something I had remotely expected.

I don't like being interrupted when I'm talking. It's actually a pet peeve of mine, though I suppose I can make an exception for the almighty God of the universe, right? :) But really, in this case I liked it. Enough of me spouting my silly self-deprecating, self-conscious stuff. The words of God are far more important.

And isn't that what God does with our lives? We're going along in whatever way we seem to think is best, and He interrupts us, setting us on the path of grace. So yeah, that's what I'm finally naming this blog.

Finally, in another bit of news... I said God is working quickly, right? I think I may have mentioned in another post that I asked God to open some doors to confirm if this is what He wants for me. Well, doors are suddenly being flung open at alarming velocity. He's bringing me to the place of complete trust in Him, and I can't wait to see what that journey looks like.

Prayers and decisions.

After my "The God Who Speaks" Bible study this morning, I engaged in a listening prayer, waiting for the Lord to converse with me. It's no secret that missions have been on my mind lately. Here in my room, I can look up at this arch-shaped window with no curtain and always see the top branches of this tree. As I listened, I looked over at this tree idly.

The leaves have started changing, I thought.

They change whether they want to or not. They change and fall.

Wait, are You saying I'll "fall" if I go out there?

You know that's not what I'm saying, and that's not for you to know. It's for you to trust Me in.

A pause. And then...

It's involuntary. You didn't realize your heart was changing toward missions... Why do they change?

Because...because of outside factors?

Because something bigger than them happens. They can't stop it; they can only respond to it. In other words, it's part of their natural order.

Something bigger than them... I know You want me to embrace this... And I will... I just don't know how to proceed. I'm really going to need some doors opened...

You guys have to understand, these are difficult to post about. Few things are as personal as your prayer life, and I'm putting my prayer life on the Internet to be read. As I said in my first post, it's really for me. To go back and re-read when I need to.

But I hope you find my conversations with God half as inspiring as I do.

The Torch

This morning, God showed me something interesting. Those who know me very closely know that I've seen some neat things from God before. Today, I saw many people, spread far apart over a broad landscape. It would be a long walk to any one of them. They were enveloped in a dark, starless night, but each was holding a torch...unlit. Myself included. Then, a fire came out of the sky and ignited the torch I held, lighting the night around me. The others, still far away, looked toward me expectantly.

God's intent here was clear: it's not just "this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine." You don't just let it shine for others to see. You take it TO them. You light their torches too. You don't just obey to receive blessing -- you obey BECAUSE you've been blessed. We've been blessed with a light that others need, whether they know it or not. You don't run to one and pass the torch... You hold onto yours, and light another. And another.

I could keep going, but you'll arrive at deeper conclusions than I can convey here if you just read what's already here.

And besides. Everybody knows I hate blogging. :)

Epiphany of trust

So there's a classic lesson about love, so common that it's almost cliche...but it's a lesson many have yet to learn. Say it with me, as we've all heard it: love is a verb, an action. Not just an emotion.

What struck me all of a sudden like an epiphany last night is that the same is true of trust. You can tell someone, as I told God on Sunday, that you trust them. So why did He repeat Himself? Because we were talking about two different kinds of trust.* The way I said it meant a general trust, an acknowledgment of His trustworthiness. What He asked of me was the action: "TRUST Me." As with love, actions speak louder than words when it comes to trust. Saying it is one thing... But putting action to it is different. It's about putting your money where your mouth is. It doesn't just mean trusting that He has a plan in the circumstances of your life (although that's certainly a part of it), it means trusting Him to bring glory to His name through the actions He asks of you, even when those actions don't make sense to you. It means doing something you otherwise wouldn't, trusting Him with the outcome, and being amazed and completely in love as you watch Him work and transform lives, whether you personally see the fruits of your trust or not.

Trust, like love, is a very powerful word. It's severely underrated almost universally. And yet, why? What marriage works and thrives without trust? What good are friends who don't trust each other? Trust is something we take for granted, and drives many aspects of our lives, even the ones where love is irrelevant. I get directions to a new place from Google... That has nothing to do with love, but I have to trust in the information I receive, enough to change my actions because of it. We trust in many things without realizing it. 

And sometimes we tell God we trust Him, but we aren't ready to change our actions for Him and His instructions.

So He said, "Trust Me." With my actions, with my activities, my finances, my career, with my life.

Let's do this.

Whatever "this" turns out to be.

*As a side note, the same thing happened in John 21:15-17, but with love. It's tougher to pick up in English, but it stands out in the original language, as our pastor pointed out a few months ago. Jesus asked Peter if he loves [agape] Him, Peter responded "Lord, You know I love [phileo] You." Agape is an unconditional godly love, while phileo is a casual, platonic good-buddies kind of "love" that means little more than friendship. Peter, whether he realized it or did it subconsciously, wasn't answering Jesus' question. Jesus asked again, emphasizing agape until Peter got the point. The above conversation with Him asking me to trust Him, I believe, was no different.

I like obvious.

We guys are pretty lousy at seeing subtle signals sometimes, whether from women or from God. Which is why I had to just laugh when God decided to just be obvious.

But let me back up a little, back to Sunday. I nearly always visit a friend's house on Sunday after church. So, after my prayer adventure during church, I was on my way to said house when God prodded me again.

Go to Lifeway.

But...? They're closed today...

...

Okay. Going to Lifeway.

I headed for Lifeway at the Parks mall, which is relatively on the way. As I expected, closed.

Drive up to the building. To the front window.

So I do, and as I get closer it becomes even more obvious how closed they are. But I also start noticing signs in the window. None of them really jump out at me, except one that says "Bible studies for life." Hmm, is this what He wanted me seeing?

Maybe it's a good thing I went when they were closed, actually. Otherwise I'd have been preoccupied with finding a parking spot, getting inside out of the heat, picking out a Bible (oh yeah, I haven't been able to find my physical Bible for a long time, and that's something else God prodded me about), and leaving without ever seeing the signs in the window.

So the next day, Monday, I came back after work, and asked about that sign, whether that was for a specific product. Yeah, apparently it's this whole line of Bible studies by Lifeway. Ok, cool. So I'm looking at this line of products, wondering what it is God is trying to point me towards.

I mean, nothing's really jumping out at me. One on dealing with stress in life here... One about difficulties of marriage there... I'm looking at a couple and silently praying,

God, what are you wanting me to pick up here? I'm not stressed or married... I'm just a guy who wants to know his God and hear Him speak His good and perfect will.

The moment I thought that, I looked up from the one in my hand, and saw, plain as day, a Bible study called "THE GOD WHO SPEAKS."

Done! I laughed and picked it up. Thank You, God, for being obvious! Sometimes I really need that!

Why am I making a blog?

I really am not sure what's come over me to make me decide to make a blog. I hate blogs. I make fun of bloggers. Blogs are a dime a dozen, full of posts that would sometimes take over an hour to read, and as the meme goes, "ain't nobody got time for that!"

But here I am, and here's why. I love my God. He inspires me, and that's something worth keeping, worth writing about. It doesn't need to be for others to see and read and comment "Hey, great post!" This is here for me. For me to see, read, and remember what He's done in my life. And if it inspires someone else, great.

Speaking of inspiring others, I should mention one of my friends, a missionary who recently got back from a major mission trip. I find myself inspired by, and admittedly, sometimes jealous of her relationship with God. On her blog (one of the few I DO read), she tells about her prayer life among other things. Two-way conversations with God, interacting with Him in a way that too few ever experience. I've wanted that. Today, I think I experienced a bit of that as the Lord showed me things He wants me to know, and I want more of that. And I know He has so much more for me.

During church this morning, our pastor spoke of Jesus being the True Vine. He explained what seemed to be an incorrect translation of John 15:2.

He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes  so that it will be even more fruitful.

The first part of this verse sounds pretty foreboding. Cut off? Is this talking about losing salvation, or not being a true believer? No. The same word used here, which has been translated "cut off" or "take away," is used in several other places in Scripture and translated as "take UP," such as "take up My yoke" or "take up your cross and follow Me." It refers to taking up an unhealthy vine in winemaking, a process by which an unhealthy, non-producing vine is restored, cleansed, and made to bear fruit.

That's when it happened, clear as a bell.

Close your eyes.

Wait, what? But I'm running the screens here!

Yes, they're fine. Close your eyes.

I didn't argue again. I closed my eyes.

Immediately, I saw with my eyes closed a vine, laying on the ground. It was...living, but barren. Plain, and unremarkable. No grapes in sight. A hand reached down and picked it up, exposing its underside. I wanted to vomit. It looked like an infestation. It was infected and thousands of tiny bugs crawled all over it.

It's like a wound. It can be healed, but disinfecting it will sting. It will hurt. And, the healing will take time. But don't give up. Now, open your eyes.

This time, I didn't need to be told again. I know nobody's perfect, but this made me sick. I wanted to DO something! Then, an interesting point came up in the message. The pastor explained that we often think of obedience to God as a passive thing. I hadn't thought about that before, but it makes sense. Too often, we equate obedience with a bunch of "don'ts." A bunch of rules. After all, that's how we obeyed our parents as kids, right? By NOT doing what we wanted. But obedience to God isn't passive, it's active. We obey God by doing what He wants, not just by avoiding the things He doesn't want us to do.

So, what's the plan then, God? What do You want me doing?

Trust Me.

I do trust You.

Trust Me.

I glanced in the direction where my missionary friend was seated, remembering some posts of hers.

Alright, God... As she would say... Let's do this.

I want Him to lead me into what He has for me. Knowing Him, that would likely be something way outside of my comfort zone. But the truth (hard and scary as it may be) is, that's the only way life should be lived. In your comfort zone, you don't need to rely on Him -- or I should say, you get lured into a false sense of security, thinking you don't need to rely on Him. But outside of it, He's all you have. And that's when you realize, more than at any other time, that He's all you need.