Interrupted by God

God is working quickly. There's a lot to write about this morning, and only 19 minutes til I need to leave for work.

Somewhere between my last post and now, my heart changed from fear of missions to excitement and ridiculous joy. A change I can't explain, except by God. Suddenly, every song, every sermon, and every Bible study seems to be pointing at missions. I take this as God's repeated answer to my request that He confirm this is His will for me, and my pastor seems to agree...which is very encouraging!

But having accepted that this is God's answer, and now feeling overwhelmed with happiness about it, I couldn't help but feel like I was messing something up by being so old when this goes down. "God," I prayed recently, "is it my fault that this is happening now? I mean, with the obstacles that face my desire to do this mainly resulting from my age, wouldn't it have been better if I had come around when I was younger?"

Only I didn't get all of that out. The moment the words "is it my fault" crossed my lips, something happened that gave me chills and moved me to tears.

He interrupted me.

"NO," came the answer, clear and firm. "This is MY timing, and you have no more power to disrupt it than to ensure it. I put this on your heart when I wanted it put there, and you are responding in My time. There is no 'fault.'"

I sat in silence for a moment and finally asked dumbly, "Did You just interrupt me?"

"Yes... Yes, I did."

It wasn't said as an accusation. It was this bemused observation that He had just shattered an age-old expectation of prayer: that it seems always one-sided. Sure, sometimes you might think you feel an urging of His will in response, even clearly enough that you can discern the words He would use. But when it comes so swiftly and strongly as to interrupt your train of thought... It just wasn't something I had remotely expected.

I don't like being interrupted when I'm talking. It's actually a pet peeve of mine, though I suppose I can make an exception for the almighty God of the universe, right? :) But really, in this case I liked it. Enough of me spouting my silly self-deprecating, self-conscious stuff. The words of God are far more important.

And isn't that what God does with our lives? We're going along in whatever way we seem to think is best, and He interrupts us, setting us on the path of grace. So yeah, that's what I'm finally naming this blog.

Finally, in another bit of news... I said God is working quickly, right? I think I may have mentioned in another post that I asked God to open some doors to confirm if this is what He wants for me. Well, doors are suddenly being flung open at alarming velocity. He's bringing me to the place of complete trust in Him, and I can't wait to see what that journey looks like.

Prayers and decisions.

After my "The God Who Speaks" Bible study this morning, I engaged in a listening prayer, waiting for the Lord to converse with me. It's no secret that missions have been on my mind lately. Here in my room, I can look up at this arch-shaped window with no curtain and always see the top branches of this tree. As I listened, I looked over at this tree idly.

The leaves have started changing, I thought.

They change whether they want to or not. They change and fall.

Wait, are You saying I'll "fall" if I go out there?

You know that's not what I'm saying, and that's not for you to know. It's for you to trust Me in.

A pause. And then...

It's involuntary. You didn't realize your heart was changing toward missions... Why do they change?

Because...because of outside factors?

Because something bigger than them happens. They can't stop it; they can only respond to it. In other words, it's part of their natural order.

Something bigger than them... I know You want me to embrace this... And I will... I just don't know how to proceed. I'm really going to need some doors opened...

You guys have to understand, these are difficult to post about. Few things are as personal as your prayer life, and I'm putting my prayer life on the Internet to be read. As I said in my first post, it's really for me. To go back and re-read when I need to.

But I hope you find my conversations with God half as inspiring as I do.